Fertility, Choice, and Moving Forward: Finding Peace After an Abortion
“I made the best decision I could at the time, I wasn’t ready for a child. Now, years later, I am struggling with fertility.”
If you’ve ever had an abortion and are now facing infertility or difficulty conceiving, you’re not alone.
Many people carry silent fears and emotions around their reproductive choices, especially when trying to conceive later in life. As a therapist who supports working professionals struggling with imposter syndrome, I’ve heard stories of guilt, shame, and remorse. These feelings often resurface during fertility challenges.
In this post, I want to offer support, hope, and most importantly, acceptance. It’s time to challenge self-blame, navigate the complexities of fertility, and embrace a future rooted in self-compassion.
The Emotional Toll of Fertility Struggles, Years After an Abortion
Fertility struggles are challenging on their own, and they become even more emotionally complex when they intersect with a past abortion. While medically, abortion does not cause infertility, the emotional and psychological weight of this concern can be heavy.
When I was completing my Master of Social Work degree, one of my classmates worked for an organization that supported mothers who chose not to have an abortion and instead carried their pregnancy to term and placed their child for adoption. I admired the work she was doing and the care it offered.
As a woman, I’ve lived through the weight of fertility decisions myself and as a clinical social worker, I’ve collaborated with women making their own.
What I’ve come to know is that these choices are never simple or one dimensional, they reach into your identity, relationships and hopes. Each carries its own kind of uncertainty that is often invisible and deeply felt.
The mind is powerful. Even when science reassures us that a past abortion is not the cause of fertility struggles, we may still hold onto subconscious fears. The “what ifs” can be relentless:
🗨️What if I had made a different decision?
🗨️What if this is my punishment?
🗨️What if I’ll never get another chance?
These thoughts can spiral into self-judgment and shame, making an already difficult fertility journey even more painful.
You Are Not Being Punished: Let’s Challenge That Narrative
One of the most harmful beliefs that individuals struggling with fertility after abortion experience is the idea of punishment. This internalized guilt often comes from societal stigma around reproductive choices. But let’s be clear: your fertility journey is not a consequence of your past decisions.
Medical experts confirm: A properly performed abortion does not impact long-term fertility. Factors such as:
Age
Hormonal imbalances (e.g., PCOS or endometriosis)
Lifestyle factors
Unexplained infertility
…all play a much larger role in conception than a decision made years ago.
Instead of asking, “Did I ruin my chance?” try asking, “How can I support myself emotionally through this process?”
Grief, Loss, and Healing After Abortion and Infertility
Fertility challenges often bring up unexpected grief not only about the difficulty in conceiving but also about the past. It’s okay to mourn:
🌱The baby you were not ready to have then
🌱The struggle of trying to have a baby now
🌱The unfairness of life’s uncertainties
Grief is complex and nonlinear. You don’t have to justify your emotions to anyone, including yourself. Healing means allowing space for all parts of your story—the past, the present, and the hope for the future.
5 Ways to Move Forward with Self-Compassion
So, where do we go from here? How do we move forward with hope and acceptance when fertility challenges make the past feel like an anchor?
1. Acknowledge and Accept All Your Feelings
Give yourself permission to feel everything without judgment. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, regret, or hope, your emotions are valid. Journaling, therapy, or talking with a trusted friend can help you process.
2. Reframe the Narrative
You made a decision that honored who you were at the time. That doesn't disqualify you from parenthood now.
3. Explore Fertility Options
If you are facing challenges with conception, remember that there are various avenues to parenthood available to you. Exploring fertility treatments or adoption can provide you with the clarity needed to determine your next steps.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Talk to yourself like someone you love. What would you say to a friend in your situation?
5. Connect With a Supportive Community
You are not alone. Support groups, therapy, and shared stories can help lighten the emotional load.
Finding Peace and Acceptance
Moving forward after an abortion while facing fertility struggles is a deeply personal and emotional journey. It requires self-compassion, patience, and a shift away from blame. Your past does not dictate your future, and you are not alone in this experience.
Hope is still possible. Parenthood is still possible though the path may look different than expected. No matter what, you are worthy of love, acceptance, and joy in your journey.
You are not being punished. You are not alone. And most importantly, your journey every step of it is valid.
✨ Need space to process? I offer therapy for individuals navigating infertility, abortion, and reproductive grief. Let’s talk, when you’re ready.
